If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
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As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Sign at work today
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?