If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
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Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack