If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
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I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
The news is so predictable nowadays
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Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”