Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
You Might Also Like
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.