My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
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No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.