to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
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The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Meme Monday.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”