Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
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My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Unexpected Judgment
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?