Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
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Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.