Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
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What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
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