Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
You Might Also Like
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
listen closely
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand