[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
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LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”