GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
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My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars