GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
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Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
aesthetic
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.