microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
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Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.