microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
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As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Gods work.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
look at me when i’m typing to you
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
this has done me in for some reason
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”