[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
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Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.