“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
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normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.