I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
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When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
S/o to @funTweeters .
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
🔦🌙👣