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Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
#Caturday
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son鈥檚 Little League games ever since he learned he鈥檚 in his second year of college.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we鈥檙e ready for the real show.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.