If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
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We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”