Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
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Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Camping tip: No.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁