Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
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Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
jesus christ confetti not now
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
dads on road-trips be like
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon