It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
You Might Also Like
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
this country is so goddamn polarized
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.