There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
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The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?