The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
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Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers