@Whymze

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

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@bewgtweets

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY

@IamJackBoot

Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?

@jonnysun

[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me

@DurtMcHurtt

Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.

@CYComedy

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

@peachgrenade

A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower

@mattZillaaaa

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

@DALIA

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

@SardonicTart

Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.