[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
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I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]