[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

You Might Also Like


911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.



Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?


[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me


Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.


Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.


A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower


My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar


How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator


Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.