I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
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[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
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Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker