I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
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i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.