Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
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He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Body by sandwich.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”