Body by sandwich.
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Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!