Body by sandwich.
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Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
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