There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 馃槶
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me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
something like this could probably happen to anyone
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
馃槄馃ぃ馃槀
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
she is beauty, she is grace
she鈥檚 got a hotdog for the space
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don鈥檛 worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that鈥檒l follow you to the grave.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don鈥檛 Touch my Face.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real