Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
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“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]