I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
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Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
🤔😂😂
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Sounds like a bargain
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.