Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
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If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
can you read it!!??
maan!
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird