About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
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sin harder.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”