My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
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Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.