I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
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Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”