Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
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LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Just a phase…
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao