valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
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Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it