valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
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Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time