Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
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Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier