Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
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james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
went fishing caught a bass
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
me linking you to my twitter
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.