“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
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Investing in beetcoin
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
This checks out
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁