I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
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Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Battery falling down a hole
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%