How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
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*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
cat vs inanimate object
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk