My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
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4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.