Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
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4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions