Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
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when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
decorating my apartment
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…