What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
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It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
🤣could you imagine
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn