🤣could you imagine
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So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.