harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
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If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I triple waxed for this?
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.