[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
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Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Breaking news:
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”