i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
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Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
The internet is full of many things
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere