I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
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What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Happy Taco Tuesday
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.