Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
You Might Also Like
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’