Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
You Might Also Like
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Every house has this drawer